Sunday, 26 January 2014

Stop! Don't Go

Up until a few months ago, I was that person with the full Day-Timer, with something planned almost every evening and weekend. It was like every day someone said ‘on your mark, get set, GO! and I was off. This had gone on for decades and it seemed like it was working just fine.

Then last year a strange thing happened. I hit a wall and it all came tumbling down. Where I used to be like Gumby and could bend every which way (figuratively speaking!), I became Mrs. Potato Head with all my important bits falling off – eyes, ears, nose, glasses. I wasn’t sleeping well, wasn’t functioning well and literally felt at the end of my rope. Poetry in reverse motion.

I landed on the ground with a thump and it took the support of a great many people (my own personal village) to put Humpty back together again.

What have I learned so far?
  • The most important things aren’t things. They are people – my family, my friends, my peers.
  • I was doing things because I thought I had to. Not sure why. Seemed to be living my life based on someone else’s rules. What the heck was that all about?
  • I wasn’t doing the things I loved anymore, or at least I didn’t love the things I was doing.
  • I forgot what my passions were.
  • I forgot that home was my sanctuary.
  • I forgot that doing nothing was really relaxing and satisfying.
  • I remembered what it felt like to enjoy the moment.
  • I realized I was holding my breath most of the time.
  • I am remembering how good it feels to just breathe.
I was astonished at how far from my true self I had drifted…caught up in goodness knows what. I wasn’t writing much and spent many of my holidays catching up on sleep before I could even enjoy the vacation. I wasn't even present in my own life. Yikes!
I had to do something drastic so I gave up all of my evening and outside of work obligations so I could regroup, re-establish and rebuild myself. It has been a huge eye opener.
I love coming home and sitting reading with the cat, or chatting with my husband without timelines and obligations. I love free weekends, to sleep in, visit with family, knit, enjoy and savor. I forgot how good time feels – and how much I cherish my free time.
I’d created my very own rat race and was wearing myself into the ground. My body finally said enough and I had to listen. It was time to stop and smell the roses that I hadn’t even seen were there.
Taking each day as it comes and so grateful for all of the beauty in my life. Thank goodness I can finally see it again. I finally feel like me…silly as it sounds. I forgot how good it feels to just be.